This post may be a bit raw. In order to maintain the authenticity of this blog, however, I feel the need to journal these (not too pretty) emotions in the same way that I express the joys and well-learned lessons in life. If you just want to hear the good stuff, don’t read this post.
*** *** *** ***
We have been told that the authorities in Ethiopia who are in possession and control of our son’s sputum test are not expected to communicate the results of that test until Friday (18th) or Monday (21st). While this still allows us to receive the news (quite narrowly) before our previously-scheduled flight plans, this delay is pushing my emotions past their normal range.
I feel very, very angry. When someone tells me that I just need to wait for God’s perfect time, I want to spit. It is one thing to learn to wait for something that God is orchestrating. While I did not enjoy the wait for our referral, I could bear it knowing that God had spurred us on toward this adoption and that waiting for the match facilitated by our chosen agency was part of that process. While I did not enjoy the waits for our court dates, I understood this as part of the process as well. While I have been heart-broken over these last weeks of waiting for a culture test to fully develop (required by a policy that I think is wrong), I have realized that this is something that won’t change overnight. In contrast, waiting for someone to communicate the results of a test that has been completed for days…results we were told to expect last week...is making my anger boil over. It seems to me that this wait is much more a result of another's sinful abuse of power than God's unique plan.
These results are HUGE for our family. They mean the difference between togetherness and separation. They mean the difference between trust and suspicion. They mean the difference between completion and continued unsettledness. They mean the difference between home and away. Right now, as we wait, we hold all these various concepts tenuously. If the news we hear demands that we let go of togetherness, trust, completion, and home…then we will learn how to do that. On the other hand, if we can let go of separation, suspicion, unsettledness, and away…we will fling them far with shouts of joy. But holding them all is so hard.
We were given a date to expect results. Day by day, we’ve awakened with expectation. Day by day, we have been left holding oppositional forces, trying to balance all the “what if’s,” facing uncertainty. I am angry that it is this way. I feel oppressed by someone’s lack of integrity, by another’s slothfulness, by somebody’s poor decision-making. And I feel powerless to make it any other way.
Feelings of anger and powerlessness can be a terrible combination. Frankly, the management of these emotions has been a struggle. I am thankful that others have faithfully gone before me. I am thankful that the Bible even records some such strugglers.
Psalm 10:12-18 (NKJV)
Arise, O LORD!
O God, lift up Your hand!
Do not forget the humble.
Why do the wicked renounce God?
He has said in his heart,
“You will not require an account.”
But You have seen,
for You observe trouble and grief,
To repay it by Your hand.
The helpless commits himself to You;
You are the helper of the fatherless.
Break the arm of the wicked and the evil man;
Seek out his wickedness until You find none.
The LORD is King forever and ever;
The nations have perished out of His land.
LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
You will prepare their heart;
You will cause Your ear to hear,
To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
That the man of the earth may oppress no more.
Dear God, overcome wickedness and release us to whatever the future holds. Prepare my heart to do your will, Lord. In the days to come, may your goodness be a force to be reckoned with because of us crazy Tappers. And just be near me to get me through this next few days, hours, this moment. I love you. Amen.