Ethan (and I) had his "Meet the teacher" meeting at his new school today. He has expressed his nervousness about starting school throughout the summer. There have been many changes in his life over the last few months, but I think starting school might be the biggest anxiety-producer of them all. I don't know if it's a separation anxiety thing (I've read about how such times of major transitions in autonomy can really produce fear in some adopted children who actually worry that they will loose their family again). I don't know if it's a new, unfamiliar situation thing. I don't know if it's a fear of failure thing. I do know my little man is not too sure about the whole thing.
I was glad to have the opportunity to speak with his teacher today. She asked some good questions to understand Ethan better, and I feel comfortable that she will be a good match for our sensitive and inquisitive and not-so-outgoing-yet kindergartener.
On the way into the building, though, it was this mommy who had the biggest scare. As Ethan came to the door of the van, I grabbed his hand and helped him hop down. As we walked across the yard, he looked up and asked, "Mom, why are you holding my hand?," pulling his hand free to adjust his backpack.
"Well, I thought you might like to hold my hand. But it's up to you. You can hold my hand or you can not hold my hand."
I don't know how I said those words because I think my heart had stopped.
As little fingers reached back over and encircled mine, however, it swelled with love and joy.